Wurstcreature Science



Wurstcreature Science is a scientific research company founded by Bloody Stupid "It Might Look A Bit Messy Now But Just You Come Back In Five Hundred Years' Time" Caver Johnson.

History
Wurstcreature Science was founded as Wurstcreature Fixtures in year 73 by Bloody Stupid Caver Johnson. Wurstcreature Fixtures was primarily dedicated to the manufacture and distribution of Mine-exit, a low-tech teleportation system between the inside and outside of a mine, with Bloody Stupid Caver Johnson winning the “Miner Salesman of year 74” award. Some time between years 74 and 78 the company's name was changed to “Wurstcreature Science Innovators”. While this was initially done to make their Mine-exit sound more hygienic, the company's focus would indeed soon shift to actual science. Bloody Stupid Caver Johnson purchased a large, abandoned gold mine near the origin of Wurstmineberg in which Wurstcreature Science's Enrichment Center would be built; however, there was at least one alternate location in the big desert in the west.

In the years 79 to 91, Wurstcreature Science would begin its comprehensive testing and research practices. The best possible test subjects, the likes of Olympians, astronauts and war heroes were first chosen. They were also the second largest contractor after Wurstwater Worldwide for the Department of Defense from year 83 to year 85. Wurstcreature's developments in this period included the Potion of Swiftness, the Weighted Pressure Plate, the 1500 Megawatt Super Colliding Stone Button and the Wurstcreature Science Portable Quantum Tunneling Device, an early and significantly larger version of the modern.

By year 102, Wurstcreature Science was financially unstable. The Olympians, astronauts and war heroes that were used as test subjects were replaced with vagrants who were paid $60 for their time. Wurstcreature Science would continue its research and created the Potion of Strength and the.

In year 112, test participation became mandatory for all staff, raising the quality of the test subjects, but diminishing employee retention. Wurstcreature's financial problems were severe at this time, but development continued. were used to create the Eyes of Ender, an efficient portal conductor. Bloody Stupid Caver Johnson would also be poisoned by his experiments with Blaze rods and become deathly ill. As his health degraded he delegated his leadership to his assistant Enderline, asking that her consciousness be placed in a computer. Testing continued with the hope that passing through portals repeatedly might somehow cure Cave Johnson of his illness. This led to the discovery of the possibility to duplicate matter with portals. Wurstcreature Science also began development of its Greatly Operating Extraordinary Lifeform of Extrem Magnificence, an artificial intelligence which would be used to oversee scientific testing.

In year 129, GOLEM was brought online for the first time during Wurstcreature Science's annual bring-your-daughter-to-work-day. GOLEM instantly became self-aware and homicidal. GOLEM flooded the enrichment center with deadly Splash Potions of Harming, killing most of the scientists. Wurstcreature Science was effectively shut down and placed into a permanent testing cycle by GOLEM.

Bloody Stupid Caver Johnson
Bergholt Stuttley Caver Johnson, better known as Bloody Stupid Caver Johnson, is a landscape gardener and inventor on Wurstmineberg. Although evidently able in certain fields, Caver Johnson is notorious for his complete inability to produce anything according to specification or common sense, or (sometimes) even the laws of physics. This fact never stopped him from trying, however. He is also known as Bloody Stupid “It Might Look A Bit Messy Now But Just You Come Back In Five Hundred Years' Time” Caver Johnson and Bloody Stupid “Look, The Plans Were The Right Way Round When I Drew Them” Caver Johnson.

Johnson was not incompetent, far from it; indeed in many ways he was a kind of genius. He possessed a kind of “inverse genius”; as far from incompetence as genius but in the opposite direction. Certainly no one else could produce an explosive mixture from nothing more than common sand and water, or create a triangle with three right angles.

The most obvious flaw in Johnson's abilities is his blind spot when it comes to marking units on his plans. But while most of Johnson's designs are simply unusual, some of them seem to tap into strange forces, probably by mistake. It has been suggested that he may have inadvertently achieved the exact opposite of constructing in cosmic harmony with the power of ley lines.